Separated? Divorced? Put the Kids First!
Really? What are you doing? Are you really putting your precious kids in the middle of your problems? Let’s talk about it!
You met this human. You fell in love. You decided to commit the rest of your life to each other. You decided to bear children. You set up a happy home. All is good… until one day you realize all is not so good. Maybe this is not such a great situation. Maybe you need to rethink what’s going on here. Maybe, this is not what you thought it would be. What do you do now?
First, I always suggest you get marriage counseling or individual counseling to work on the natural problems that arise in any relationship.
Second, remember that no relationship is perfect. If you spotted another possible human that you think might fit better in your life, they are not perfect either. That’s human nature. The old adage that the Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side… Is actually… The Grass is NOT always greener on the other side. New is New. When you and your spouse were in the NEW stage of your relationship, all was amazing. It seemed like nothing could ever go wrong, then, life happens. Well, if you’re considering another relationship, life will happen there too.
This is not to say that all marriages are perfect and maybe you have not found your perfect partner in your spouse, but it is to say, before you give up, make sure.
Divorce is the SINGLE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER GO THROUGH, and if kids are involved IT MAKES IT HARDER! So be sure that is the route you want to take.
If you have decided that Divorce is the answer, it is your decision, NOT YOUR KIDS. Your kids did not ask to be born into this relationship, you gave them that honor. So DO NOT take your misery and your relationship out on your kids. DO NOT call the other spouse names in front of your kids, or blame them for your divorce or anything going on between the two of you. What is between you and your spouse, stays between you and your spouse.
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
Talk, discuss, nurture, be available, understand, respond, love.
TALK about what is going on and this would be great to do immediately when you know the two of you are separating. It is also good if possible, to do this together as a family, and let the kids know what to expect. Both parents should continue to talk to their kids and DISCUSS what is going on, as it continues to move in the direction of divorce. BE AVAILABLE to your kids, so that they know it is not a secret and should not feel like if they bring it up to you, you are not going to want to talk about it. Just like you, they are thinking about it all the time. They are confused, and they don’t know why it’s happening. Age-appropriate discussions will help all of you transition through this very difficult time. RESPOND to their requests and always
UNDERSTAND that this is hugely affecting their lives and the younger they are, the more confused they are. Your kids are scared and now do not feel the security they once felt when in a happy home. and do not know what the future will look like. NURTURE them and LOVE them and constantly remind them, that BOTH of their parents LOVE them and that this is NOT because of anything they did and is NOT their fault.
Work it out between the two of you, whether good or bad, regardless of the decision, be honest and truthful about the way you feel to the other. Be honest and truthful to your kids and let them know what they will expect and what the future holds for them. Show them that you both love them at all times and be available to answer questions and have discussions together on a regular basis. When done right, although it may seem impossible at times, you can ALL survive a divorce and come out the other end smiling. After all, being with two happy parents, whether living together or apart, is what’s important. That is what will give your kids the security, comfort and love that they deserve.
Have questions, email me or go to my Coaching page for one on one help with parenting. You too, can become a Parent Master.
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Peace, Love & Laughter!
Let’s raise happy and healthy kids together!
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